Public indecency
by Dragonling743
Summary: cute little drabble. Regina may have reconciled with the Charmings, but that doesn't mean she doesn't enjoy melting their brains every once in a while. Crack-ish maybe? I've never written crack before. M for smut.
1. Tell me this isn't happening

A/N: Sooo I saw this prompt on tumblr and I couldn't resist it. Little cracky.

"Miss Swan you are under arrest for public indecency." The cuffs clicked around my wrist and I couldn't help but feel bad for my dad having to arrest his own daughter the sheriff for something like this. "You have the right to remain silent, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law, you-"

"Got it dad. I have rights." I chuckled, "Put me in the damn car before you die of embarrassment."

He slapped the other cuff on and said in his best police voice, "Mayor Mills you-"

"Yes yes I understand. You may do your duty now before this all ends up on youtube." Regina replied dryly. How anyone can sound so calm in a pencil skirt and bra was beyond me. But damn is it sexy.

Dad pushed the two of us into the back of his cruiser and took us the short trip back to the station. It was obvious how uncomfortable with this. He never once glanced into the back seat, and I'm pretty sure that's a good thing. I don't know what was going through his mind when he cuffed us together, but Regina was using the opportunity to run her hand up my thigh. "Imagine the things I could do with these dear." She purred in my ear.

"My dad's going to have a heart attack because of you." I whispered back, thinking she might end up doing the same thing to me too.

He opened the door for us and Regina practically dragged me out of the back seat. The moment I was out she slammed me back against the squad car and kissed a trail down my neck. I moaned softly and David may have actually turned green. "All right enough of that." He yanked us apart and walked us into the station with a hand each on our shoulders to keep us separate. Regina just stared at me over his shoulder, her eyes blazing with the kind of lust that made me want to just melt into the floor.

David interrupted by putting us in adjacent cells. "Just.." He raised his hands at the two of us like he was trying to pretend that none of this had happened. "Cool off here." David put a specific set of cuffs on Regina to ensure she couldn't use magic and took his other ones back. He turned around with a shudder to get himself some coffee I assume… Or something stronger.

Regina sat back on the little bed in her cell, legs crossed with her stiletto heels threatening death to anything she stepped on and she crooked a finger at me. It was a clear invitation, and the moment David was out of earshot I ran my hands over the brick walls. Ha! There it is. I pulled out the false brick and unlocked my cell with the spare.

The Mayor just watched me passively, not a single expression crossing her face not even when I revealed the serious security risk sitting in her prison cells. I opened her cell just long enough to step inside, then locked it behind me. Nothing was going to keep me from Regina tonight. "Hello gorgeous." I grinned.

Regina raised her eyebrow at me, "Well I'm waiting." She gestured down at her legs still crossed in front of me.

I knelt in front of her and spread her legs wide enough to settle between them. "Yes your majesty."

I moved to unzip her skirt but she tutted. "No hands dear. If I can't use mine then you have no such luxury either." I chuckled and unzipped her skirt with my teeth. The skirt slipped off with a simple tug, the sight that met my eyes was one of the most erotic I had ever imagined. Regina sitting above me in her matching red lace lingerie waiting for me to do as I was bidden.

"Does the no hands rule still apply?" I asked breathlessly, kissing a trail up her thighs.

"Of course." There it was, just the hint of a waver in her voice and that was enough to soak whatever was left of my panties.

* * *

Suffice it to say that David was thoroughly traumatized when he ran back in. "Regina are you oHHH My God what the hell is wrong with you two?! Separate! Now! Clothes!" He cringed, a good twenty feet away from us, his arms brought up as if a physical barrier could help him ignore what he had just seen and heard.

I tugged Regina's skirt back up and zipped up my pants; before I could leave for my own cell Regina grabbed my fingers and licked them clean. "Next time when I tell you no hands. I want you to obey." She purred, sending shivers down my spine. I wondered how badly David would be traumatized if I jumped Regina again, but he looked ready to die.

He locked us into our respective cells again, took my spare key, arranged Regina's handcuffs around the bars on the far side of her cell, everything he could do to keep us separate he did. It couldn't help but laugh at how gingerly he handled us. Like he would catch fire if he actually made contact with either of us.

"I will.. If I find no more evidence of…" He gestured wildly between us, "THAT when I get back in the morning I will let you two go." He ran a hand through his hair, and left before either of us could scar him any more.


	2. Yup, it's happening

A/N: I really am a huge sucker for an enthusiastic reviewer so I started writing more like the very second they told me to.

"Ruby! Get your scantily clad backside into the kitchen. We have customers waiting!" Granny snapped from behind the counter.

The brunette flipped her hair over her shoulder as she turned to shout back, "In a minute!" She grinned down at me again, "So, you were saying?" Ruby set her hand over mine and I bit my lip.

"I was uh, just saying that I didn't know what to do with the syrup. You said put it everywhere?" I'm blushing. Gosh darn it why am I always blushing. Why can't I just talk to her like she's normal? Why can't holding hands just be platonic.

"Yeah, just like this." She leaned over me, her breasts brushing my shoulder and the side of my head as she poured the syrup over my entire plate. I would have smiled at the little face she drew on my pancakes but I was trying to focus on not moving my head at all. I knew I could turn and kiss her, bury my face in her breasts.

"Ruby! Stop your flirting and move it!" Granny yelled. The spell was broken. Ruby set down the little carafe and went to attend to her other customers. I stayed as long as I could watching her work. Finally with no more food on my plate and my cocoa finished, I left.

* * *

"Good God not again." I heard the mutter from a little ways away but I couldn't focus. "Please tell me this isn't happening."

"More Ruby, more." I moaned, clutching her head to my chest as she suckled my breasts. Ruby clung to my waist, her fingers creeping not so subtly towards my waistband. "Yes." I gasped, "Yes please." I yanked her shirt off.

"Enough! Don't you two have any sense of decency?" A rough pair of hands stopped me from undressing Ruby, and the clack of handcuffs broke me out of it just enough for me to glare at him. 'Prince Charming' and his not so charming act was the one behind this? He was dressed in his cop uniform and I realized why it was that he was being so rude.

"Miss Luca, Miss French you are under arrest for public indecency, and disturbing the peace. You have the right to remain silent…" He droned on and on about our miranda rights. The moment he yanked Ruby away from my chest was the moment I wanted to kill something. David turned his head away as if my chest was a frightening beast and tugged my shirt back on.

Ruby whined, "Come on she wasn't hurting anyone." She stared at my barely clothed breasts with the same kind of hunger I felt burning in the pit of my stomach.

"What is going on in this town?" David exclaimed to the sky as he pushed us into the squad car. The moment he shut to door I lunged for Ruby. It wasn't the most graceful thing in the world, but it sated some of the burning desire as we gasped for breath between frantic kissing.

The deputy got into his seat and hunched his shoulders, tilting his head to try and block at least some of the noise. Judging on the way he was sitting, and his expression as he let us out a few minutes later, David wanted to cry. Outright sob at the indecency of this. Maybe he was embarrassed. I didn't think about it long. I had Ruby right in front of me, so why should I bother thinking about the dumb deputy that removed our hands from the equation.

Ruby nudged me back for just a moment and in a feat of dexterity she hooked her arms around her legs, freeing her hands mostly. She was still cuffed, but now she could hold me as we kissed. David plugged his ears as best as possible, and upon reaching the station he tapped on the door before opening it. I assume he thought we would be kind enough to pause. Not bloody likely with the hunger I felt for Ruby.

Good Lord if lust were a physical burn I would be charred from the inside out. From the look on Ruby's face when I was yanked from her embrace, she felt similarly. "Let us go you bloody prick! We've done nothing wrong!" I shouted, flailing a little as he yanked me off balance.

"I wish to god that were true." He sighed. David just stared up at the sky while he tugged me along. Ruby in the grip of his other hand. We could barely keep up with his fast pace. He put each of us in separate cells and for a moment I had hope, but he cuffed me to one side and Ruby to the other. We couldn't even touch ourselves if we got too desperate.

"You monster! I love her!" I shouted at his retreating back, "Let us go!" Ruby was no less vehement, reduced to snarls and yanking at her cuffs like she could just break the steel bindings.

David cringed and just covered his ears. Before he walked out the door he called, "I'll let you out in the morning."

* * *

"Please, please god tell me you're both decent and done." David called into the room, "I have seen far too many breasts that do not belong to my wife recently."

"Hmm?" I opened my eyes, and looked down at myself. I pressed myself to my hands where they were cuffed to the bars and did my best to button my shirt back up. "Oh Goodness what happened?!" I practically shrieked. Ruby jerked awake and I glanced over only to avert my eyes. Her normally scanty clothing was even less absent than usual. She had only a lace bra, and a mini skirt with no underwear to be found.

"I'll take that as a close enough." David sighed in relief. He walked into the station and unlocked us, staring up at the ceiling while he did. "At least you two are sane."

"What in the world does that mean? David what happened?" Oh good lord what happened? Why don't I have any underwear? Is that? I touched my neck and my eyes widened, "Is that a BITE MARK?!"


	3. That Just happened

I woke to the noise of a loud pounding downstairs. Of course it was the door, but considering the state of the town I think I can be justified in hesitating before heading down to look. I crawled out of bed, hoping not to dislodge the other inhabitant and pulled on a robe before heading down to answer. I checked the peephole to ensure I would not go blind from opening the door and smirked to myself.

I opened the door wide for my guest and hung off the wood. It's almost luxurious allowing myself to act as I once did simply for amusement. With Henry out bonding with his felon of a father in New York, I've found the distraction far more enjoyable than it could have been otherwise. "Good morning deputy Nolan, may I help you with something?" I purred, happy to note that my voice was still rough from sleep.

"Oh God we are not going through this again." He put his hands up by his head and rushed past me like he was giving himself blinders. It was a rather ridiculous look for him, but everything is ridiculous about David Nolan, from his shabby leather boots to his puppy love for our dear Mary Margaret. "I need to know what's going on right now Regina." He attempted to glare at me but he was too close to tears for it to carry any weight. Good Lord this man is pathetic.

"I'm afraid you'll have to explain further Deputy, as you can see I only woke up a few moments ago, so you will have to enlighten me before I can aid you." I loved the look on his face. it was everything I loved to see on an enemy's face. Frustration and just a hint of green around the edges of his mouth. It had come to be the new deputy's standard expression since this fiasco had begun. Perhaps that opening act was a little over the top.

"I just." He shut his eyes and groaned, "Oh God I just had to arrest Rumpelstiltskin and.. And MY WIFE for having… For… Things! They were… You need to fix this Regina!" He stabbed a finger in my direction. "I cannot.. I have seen over half this town with waaaayy more intimacy than I ever wanted to. She had.. She had her tongue down his throat! I mean what kind of woman just. Snow wouldn't do that!

"I can kinda believe Ruby and Belle, I can even pretend to get how Kathryn and that.. Whoever he was the blacksmith got together. But did you really think I wouldn't suspect you after seeing Granny and.." He shuddered in absolute horror, "I understand revenge, but what in the name of all that is holy made you think I ever needed to see Granny and Mother Goose stripping each other on top of my own cruiser?!" The poor boy sounded ready to cry, and I had to bite back a laugh.

Perhaps I had gone too far, but the way his eyes bugged out of his skull had been worth every mildly traumatizing moment of the venture. "Perhaps you should just go home for the day Sheriff, you sound quite unhinged. If you're done throwing around groundless accusations, I need to go devour your daughter."

Green is not exactly the word for the color David turned. Chartreuse perhaps, or maybe a nice lime. Either way I worried for a second that he would ruin my clothing, however Prince Charming seems to be in possession of a rather strong stomach. "You need to stop this Regina." His voice was too weak for it to be a demand, but I think that is exactly what he intended for it to be. "Before I…" The greenish hue lightened as his eyes traveled down my form.

"Oh no. Good Lord no, I don't-" The warmth spread through him and I could feel the heat his eyes imbued everywhere they lingered. David reached out as if in a trance. His warm hands settled on my breasts and for a moment I remembered why I had started this. Doubts crept in as his lips glued to my neck. "Oh.. Oh I see where Emma inherited her talents." I gasped, pressing my hands to his chest. I couldn't decide whether it was to push him away or pull him closer.

The decision was made for me when Emma came stumbling down the stairs. "What the hell?!" She shouted. Emma ripped open the front door, yanked away her father and shoved him out on his backside. She slammed the door shut and locked it, ensuring he could do no more than bang on the wood once more. I watched all of this with a mixture of shame, and amusement. Considering sex with that shepherd just to taunt his wife was beneath me, but his daughter? She might be someone out of whom I might consider making a regular partner.

She shoved me against the wall and growled in my ear, "You are mine Regina." Her teeth and tongue washed away any hint of her father and we resumed what hadn't stopped since her father had arrested us. Oh yes, this is definitely the best idea I've ever had.

* * *

The pounding on the door stopped as soon as David had a moment without the object of his affections. He stared down at his hands in horror, and ran. Ran as far and fast as he possibly could, only stopping once to empty his stomach in Regina's rose bushes. He had to get this whole thing under control before anything worse happened.


	4. This isn't supposed to happen

A/N:Yes the rating has changed. I figure I can't have a sex crazed town without a little of it leaking into the text. BTW I haven't written smut in a long time so be forgiving.

* * *

"Archie! Archie wake up! Please, please don't be crazy too!" I pounded on Dr. Hopper's door. Why? Why isn't he answering? What's taking so long! Pongo's heard me, damn it Archie has to be home. Please don't let me be interrupting more craziness.

Finally the lock clicked and Archie opened the door. Crap I woke him up. "Yes David? I take it something has happened?"

"How did you know?"

Archie stepped back to let me in, "Well you're in a panic, it's ten o'clock at night, and people only come to me if they have themselves in a sticky situation." Oh duh.

I can't keep still. Goodness I'm going to wear a hole in the carpet. "I need your help. I can't figure out what she's done? Well obviously it's not her. I mean Regina wouldn't do this on purpose right? No she hates Emma.

"No that would be insane. So who would do that? Why would someone want to see the town like that? Is this even happening? Maybe I'm in a sleeping curse? Snow said she had terrible nightmares, I mean she still wakes up from them sometimes but no that's not the point. No but it could be a curse right? I could just be cursed to imagine this whole thing. Archie tell me I'm cursed. Please let this just be a curse. Archie what's happening?"

I turned to Archie, my feet paused in their path across his carpet. He raised his hands, "I still don't know what you're talking about David."

"How have you not noticed?!" I practically shrieked. Every single night, twice even three times I had been forced to see townsfolk in compromising positions all because I had become Emma's Deputy. She's off duty now and has been for days! "Have you not been outside? At all?!" How could he not have seen the kind of material that requires brain bleach in copious quantities? Did he go blind or something while I was trying to get things under control?

Dr. Hopper sighed and gestured for me to sit. "Please David, why don't you sit and take a breath so I can sort this all out." It kills me to even consider sitting down when all hell is breaking loose, but I sat anyway. "So you say there's a curse, but Regina isn't part of it. Something to do with Emma, and nightmares. I take it you are having trouble finding out who has done… Whatever this is?"

Well at least he catches on fast. "Yes!"

He put his hands up, "Please David, I do have neighbors who like to sleep. Why don't you tell me, calmly, what's going on."

"Well it started with Regina and Emma… Doing.. Things in the alley behind Granny's and then from there it just escalated and now every night I am filling up the cells and offices in the sheriff's station trying to handle the population of sex crazed maniacs. And I mean maniacs!" I showed him all the claw marks on my arms, "The last couple have gotten really freaking crazy. I have a bruise on my side from where SNOW kicked me!"

His eyes widened briefly, "Oh. Well I guess that's easy enough to deal with. Have you fallen under the effects yet David?"

And this is exactly what I was afraid of. I have to tell him. Please someone just wake me up because this is too much to bear if this all ends up true I don't know that I could ever look anyone here in the eyes again. But if it's an easy fix like he says. Wait what?

* * *

Emma woke me up with a series of kisses up my sternum. Her lips light as they drifted up my skin. "Mmm.." I don't want to wake up, but the reality may just be better than the dreams. Her lips met mine and though it took a few moments, I began to respond. I opened my eyes just in time to see hers light up with joy.

I hadn't meant this to be anything more than sex. In all reality I hadn't expected this to last past the first night. I assumed Emma's nature would halt the curse in it's tracks. Or maybe the bug would have died. It was supposed to last only twenty-four hou- I clutched the back of Emma's head and moaned, "Ohhh mmm, yes Emma."

There is nothing more magical than her lips I swear. Her knees gripped my hips firmly. The way her back curves is otherworldly. I think I could die like this. She sucked harder on my breast, one hand wrapped around the other kneading and squeezing it. Her tongue swept over the peak and Emma had to almost sit up as my back arched to follow her tongue.

She stared at me with the same hunger that had ridden us almost as closely as we rode each other for the last week. Food has barely been a consideration. I can't even remember the last time I'd eaten anything other than Emma. Oh god the taste of her arousal with her thigh flexing against my shoulders, pressing my tongue deeper. Or is that. Oh god that is Emma's tongue. "Please, please more."

"Fuck yes." Emma clenched her hand on my hip dragging me closer to that tongue. I can't imagine this going better. God was I really so focused on Emma's mother? I could have saved so much trouble by simply fucking her daughter into oblivion. She is so much better than Graham.

I'm sure the whole town heard my scream.


	5. What's taking so long!

"God damn it!" I slammed my fist into the wall. This isn't moving fast enough. I returned to my pacing. Shattered glass and ceramic crunched under my boots and I can't help but think this is all that damn witch's fault. Something is slowing it down. I hunched over my desk. My life's work sat on that stupid hunk of mahogany. "Why can't you people die already?"

I've been trapped by these stupid rules for far too long. If this damn virus worked so well to throw a wrench into Cora's life then why in the name of all that is holy is it not working on her daughter? Her weak stupid proud daughter. That bitch locked me up in here. She should be dying right now but no, she's having sex with that little sycophant Emma Swan.

Oh yes she got the perfect life. Her parents back together and in love. Magic. A lover. Her damn child! Why am I the only one to be gypped by this? "I never did anything to you Regina!" I screamed at the walls, "I did everything you asked! Everything you wanted! And you stabbed me in the fucking BACK!"

My name, it's all in my name. No wonder they gave it to me. I understand why the queen of hearts gave it to me. I'm without my wife. My child belongs to someone else. I'm trapped in this house all the day long. No wonder I'm mad. I will get my daughter back. Then we will go home, and I will get my Alice back.

* * *

I pulled Regina's hair back and held it there while she emptied her stomach into the toilet. It wasn't the first time today, and I doubt it will be the last. I guess somehow I expected her to shove me away or something. It's probably just the honeymoon period talking. That and the puking. I doubt Regina would let me do this on a normal day.

She finished and I passed her toothbrush over without a word. She took it and started brushing furiously. Is it a sign? Or is that just a thing that everyone wants to clean that taste out afterwards. Probably the latter. I'm being an idiot. Why are you taking everything as the beginning of this big relationship? Regina's just in it for the sex. The hot, glorious, sweaty sex.

Regina staggered to her feet and spat in the sink. "You know darling?" She slurred, leaning back against the counter, "I think this is a very bad thing."

I frowned and walked over, putting my hand on her forehead. It's a little warm but not like fever warm, "What do you mean Regina? You feel fine."

"No, no, no." She moaned tugging me against her, "This darling." She purred, kissing my neck, "This is a very bad thing we're doing. What happens when Henry gets back? We're going to be screwing each other on the counters or something and my son is going to be traumatized." A shiver ran down my back.

"A uh, what? You lost me at screwing on the counters." I bit my lip. Having sex while she's sick would probably be a bad idea, no matter how hot I am for it. Of course Regina's not making it any better.

"My son doesn't want to see me having sex." She kissed my neck, "So when he comes back, you need to sneak in."

"Sneak in?" I pulled back and looked down at her, "Like you want this to keep happening?"

Regina glared at me for breaking contact and stalked after me. Each step she took I took one back. I wanted to look her in the eye as she said it and that wouldn't work with her face buried in my tits or something. Of course that plan was stopped in it's tracks when my back hit the door. She braced her hands on either side of me, "Emma Swan there is nothing in this world that is going to stop me from screwing you on every surface in my home, and quite a few outside my home. Not even our son."

* * *

"Ruby! Get your butt back here we have orders ready to go out!" Granny shouted. This time the waitress didn't move. She was frozen in place, staring out the window in what could only be described as fear. Granny grumbled to herself and rounded the counter, "Ruby what are you staring at? We have customers…" She trailed off, staring up at the shifting purple and violet sky above them.

"Everyone up!" She turned and shouted, waving her hands, "We gotta evacuate! It looks like a hurricane is coming!" Everyone got to their feet immediately. If it wasn't a hurricane it would be a blizzard and neither were forgiving this far north.

"Granny..?" Ruby called, sounding a little scared, "Th-the is it supposed to be green?" The damn girl was hugging herself and staring out the window like a little kids staring at the boogey man. She didn't even have the sense to run.

Granny trotted over and grabbed her granddaughter around the shoulders, ready to tug her back towards the storm shelter in the basement. That's when she saw what Ruby meant. "Oh hell, not again."


	6. Newcomer

**A/N: Okay so not entirely sure where this is gonna go. It could be good or it could suck, so all input is highly appreciated. I am soooo sorry for the delay. I had a fit of doubts, and then an epiphany in that order.**

* * *

Wooshing. What the hell is wooshing? I sniffed and tried to settle back into the pillowy comfort of Regina's breasts. I bumped Regina, "Regina, babe, wake up. What's rotting?"

She groaned, "Emma shtop poking me." She slapped my arm and tried to roll over.

"Regina." I shook her, "Did you make gingerbread or something?" Seriously it doesn't smell as much like gingerbread as stale gingerbread with a chaser of rotting leaves. "Can't you smell that?" The wooshing outside got louder

Regina giggled and waved her arms in the air, "Woosh."

I stared at the calm composed woman that was the mother of my child, and the sexiest thing on the planet. "...What are you doing?" The house reeks of something nasty, and she's… I have no idea what she's doing.

She laughed and shoved my shoulder rather harder than necessary, "Come on Emma, it's fun! Say it with me, Wooooosssshhhhh!" When I kept staring at her like the madwoman she is, Regina growled. "You know dear you really should get your daily values of wooshing in. If you don't you could suffer a serious deficiency. This is why Henry likes pizza so much. Because you let him get away with not being healthy." Regina frowned to herself, "Unhealthy? Or… Emma what IS that smell? It smells disgusting, get it out of here!" She shoved me from the bed and all hell broke loose outside.

* * *

Everyone in the dinner had stayed to the storm shelter in the basement despite know it wasn't a tornado. Instead of huddling together until it was over, they discussed their options. Snow slammed her fist down on the table, "We have to deal with this. There must be some way for us to stop people from just jumping from realm to realm!"

Leroy rolled his eyes, "We did have that! Until your stupid daughter came waltzing back in and she brought magic back to Storybrooke."

Ruby rolled her eyes, "Oh yeah because life was so much better when you were the town drunk. You spent more time in the jail than you did out of it."

"Better than the town slut." He shot back, "From what I've heard you haven't changed that reputation at all. Am I the only one who heard about you and Belle going at it like rabbits?"

Granny smacked the table, "We have all done things we regret, or don't regret this last week. Something tells me it has to do with this storm. How how about you all shut your pie holes unless you have something productive to say. Deal?" She looked around, and since no one was ready to pick a fight with the tough old woman, she nodded, "Great. Snow, what did you have in mind?"

Snow blanched, "Well I uh, I didn't have any particular ideas it was more of a general mission statement." Everyone at the table groaned. This whole make a plan with no details thing was starting to grate on everyone's nerves. Every once in a while they actually enjoyed someone like Regina stepping up and laying out a detailed agenda.

Katherine rolled her eyes, "Well I don't know about you all, but I'm going to go check on my friends. Unlike you all, I care that the mayor and our sheriff are out in the middle of that with no clue what's going on." She climbed up the ladder and opened the hatch just to stop and stare.

Leroy nudged her, "What's the hold up sister? What's going on up there?"

Katherine looked back down at the rest of the town gathered at the base of the ladder, "I don't know."

* * *

Out walking on main street was a woman clad from head to toe in white. Her hair was almost indistinguishable from her dress, and there was a glint in her eye that would be missed by most passersby. Whilst everyone else rushed to hide from the raging wind, this newcomer hummed a little tune and strolled towards Mifflin.


End file.
